T'is the Season

As the holidays are already here knocking on the door. I can not help but feel even worse than I already had.  I am pathetic for even saying so. There are so many others that have a harder life than I do. If I am so thankful for what I have then why am I so depressed all the time? I guess that is a question that, for the time being, will go unanswered.
There have been some events in my life recently that have be really negative. And without going into any type of detail what so ever, it sucks. Taking a stand and choosing to teach my children the correct way people should treat each-other seemed to leave others feeling off balance. I will do what I feel is right. However, no matter what I do, no matter how right it is, its all in how it is perceived by others. I recently discovered that I do care way to much what other people think of me.  This should not be the case at all. As long as I am setting a good example for my children, and doing right by them and myself, that should be all that matters.
I think the fact the people take the recent events so lightly is silly. For those of you who know about it think about it this way, What if that happened to Rory or Alicen? What if someone was treating them that way? I bet you would be pissed and want to kick that persons ass. I know I would cause I am their mother and want to protect them. And If Myles was acting that way? I would have a serious talk with him in hopes he would improve his moral. Just the fact that you can not picture someone doing something, does not mean they are not capable of doing it, or haven't already.
My life keeps sinking further and further down. and I am struggling to keep my head above water. Sometimes I'm scared.
I am trying the best I can, I love my children.
I think I am a wonderful mother and I just want to do right by my children.
I need some time to think long and hard about things

Drowning Out at Sea

With everyone and everything in the world voting against my every move, I still have found a way to keep on going forward...strong. With every breath, and every step I have chosen to move forward into the direction I have felt would be the best one possible for my 3 loves and myself.
Shoved out to sea, certain I was going to drown. But then I became so sure of one thing, that I would succeed in being someone my kids would be proud of. Not letting myself drown, but finding the way up for air.
 Now it is me that feels like I am holding myself underwater. Starting to make the wrong decisions with my life. Swimming into the deep  instead of up towards the air. Putting myself in an unhealthy place where people are free to walk over me. To push me further into drowning.
My better judgement has been a thing of the past for some two to three months now. That is not the type of person I want to be. That has not been my goal. What I wanted in life has been so clear. So how did it all of a sudden get so fuzzy? How come things have to be so complicated? I know its time to start putting what needs to be done first again. I want to breath again. No one and nothing is going to look out for me and pull me back to the surface, but me. Its time to step back and re-asses every situation and every aspect of my goals and start heading towards those again. In a healthy way. Just for myself and my children.

Most Important Goals:
1. My children- making sure they have everything and everyone that is most important to them in their lives. If some people are going to chose not to spend time with them, or chose not to be apart of it then that is their loss. I need to make sure I am who I need to be for them first and for most. If that means giving up things for myself, then so be it. That is what being a parent is all about. The minute that plus sign appeared I gave up everything for them. And that is the way it has to be, its the way I want it to be. Everything is for them. And they deserve a parent who genuinely wants to be with them, and there for them. Not someone who wants to be paid to be with them. Someone that WANTS to spend time with them and with them every second of every day. That's way it is going to be....always.

2. Myself - making sure I am healthy and happy. Striving towards goals that are going to be the best choices for my children as well as myself. If when I die I can say I was able to support my children and be the best mother I could possibly be then that I have met my goal. My head stone does not need to say "great business woman" "nice friend" or "loving wife" it only needs to say "upstanding mother who loved her children.". If I fail at everything in life, if that is the road I have been handed then that is alright with me. As long as I do not fail at being a mother.


Its really that simple.
(As long as I keep it that way.)
Now time to focus on what needs to be done. Set aside all the bullshit and start living my life for my children and myself.

Everyone will take this blog how they will. I know some of you who read it are going try and turn it around as a negative thing. If that is a vindictive thing you wish to do, then go for it. I am tired of people lurking my blogs and all my other accounts trying to find something, anything turn it into a negative. People who do that are just pathetic. So from this take what you will, try and destroy what you can. I wont even hope or wish one day that someone will come along and do what you have done, purposefulness, to my children and I to your own family.

Good Thing I Like Lemonade

Ever stop and wonder how exactly your life got to where it is today? Well I used to all the time until I started to realize that I actually know the answer. I guess I have all along. I wish sometimes that I could take everything back that I did wrong, however I hurt people, just take the negative away and start over. The thing with that is, taking away past negatives, will alter the present and future positives and you can NEVER start over. As hard of a life I feel like I have had, and how many struggles I have faced. I am not quite sure I would change anything. These struggles are what is making me trump today. These negatives are molding me into this amazing person that I had no idea that I could be. And never thought I would want to be. I am happy with myself for the most part, and I feel like that shows. I would be lying if I said I didn't still hurt sometimes, and have bad days. Or that sometimes I feel over whelmed with difficult situations and wish things were like they used to be. But all the good in me I feel like is starting to shine though. And I want everyone to see it. It isn't just that I dropped 65 pounds, although that helped significantly. I just feel like I am a more genuine person. More understanding, stronger, and willing to fight for the things I need and the things I want. I know what I want and what I am going after in my life. What I feel is best for myself and , most importantly, my children. The question is, are those things actually in the cards? Regardless of the answer to that question... I will never stop fighting, chasing, for everything I want in my children and my own life.

Stop Fucking Eating & Boobies

You are going to be mad, I dont care & boobies for the bros.

People will continue on with their bad behavior as long as their is someone around that "supports/encourages" them in their choice to make those decisions. Honestly, think about what you are supporting.....is it a just reason? are you supporting something that you would be ok with if it happend to you? I understand that friends want to show support to each other. But I would much rather have a friend that doesn't put up with bull shit and stands up for what they believe in. I would rather have a friend that lays everything on the table then to be a push over and "support" me when they know its a bad decision and know in the end it is going to affect me badly. that is a true friend. Someone who is not going to just stand by me and "support me" as i self destruct. Also. A lot of things bother me. And I am just going to lay it out. I think its fucked up when people fuck other peoples husbands. I think its fucked when people think it is ok for their BF or GF to cheat on them I think is fucked that people this its ok TO cheat at all I think it is fucked how men think they can treat women I think it is EVEN MORE FUCKED UP that the people in my age group have a serious lack in morals. Seriously. they act like they have no brain at all and know concept of right or wrong. Also, i think its bizarre that every guy i ever talk to EVER at least twice tells me they need a back rub....are you telling me this so i will offer? or is this just a random statement? cause 4.... yup 4 guys told me they needed on today lol Think about it IF YOU WOULDN'T WANT IT TO HAPPEN TO YOU, THEN DON'T FUCKING DO IT TO SOMEONE ELSE!!!!! also before you allow and accept other peoples actions or decisions and "support" it think about WOULD YOU BE FUCKING OK IF THAT WERE TO HAPPEN TO YOU?!?!?!?!?! if no then FUCKING STAND YOUR GROUND AND DO WHAT YOU THINK IS RIGHT I'm getting irritated lately that people are such push overs. Sometimes your "support" as a friend is making the unacceptable acceptable also, if your going to get involved with someone who is married and has kids....even if they are still married but separated....or divorced....what ever. Make sure you know what your doing, because the kids mother is not going anywhere. She is ALWAYS going to be around. ALWAYS kids don't die when they turn 18.....so there's always going to have to be contact between the parents, and they have to be able to co-parent...its for the kids best interest....get the fuck over it. oh yeah. I'm sorry i thought we were supposed to be grown ups here? Am i seriously mistaken on this statement? Because part of being a grown up is even if you don't fucking like someone but you have to see them a lot be fucking respectful. don't constantly be an asshole and then wonder why the fuck the other person is being a bitch back are you that stupid. "I'm going to treat you like shit and you have to be ok with it" seriously...........? fuck you bro fuck you ok i feel better now <3 hope everyone has a lovely night and for the boys like i promised

husbands, milfs, and soda

Life has been good. I finnaly have things working out the way I want them too and I feel like I am making some great accomplishments. :))) So today someone made me realise how much I shoudl thank my husband.......so here is my thank you to him Husband of mine , Thank you so much for walking out on me. If you had neverdone that I would have never realised how happy I am without you. I would have never realised how I can accomplish anything I set my mind too. I would have never gotten out of my shell and become friends with many, and started doing things I never thought I would. I probably would not have lost over 50lbs either. Thank you for calling my every name in the book and saying how I would never amount to anything and how no one would or could ever want me. Well Challage accepted! And I believe I have come out on top. I thank you for leaving cause now I don't have to worry about how I never was good enough for you or if you were cheating on me or not. Cause now that you are at least its not on me! You leaving was the best thing that has ever happened and I see that now. Someone else can deal with your crap because I no longer have to anymore. I don't have to listen to you complain, or yell at me. And I don't have to walk on egg shells anymore. I don't really wish you the best but Good luck with your life.....your going to need it with all the stupid decisions you make. Sincerely, Julie (regretably and unfortunatly your wife...still lol) That made me feel so much better All you single MILFs out there...keep chugging along. Doing right by your kids and yourself. Life is hard but not impossible <3 And your kids are always worth it Also I like Pepsi more than coke

Where do I even begin?

Just these past 3 weeks have been so crazy high and low. one second its up and everything is great, and the next second its down, and i feel like im losing my damn mind. most of you probably have no idea what has been going on, and while i am tempted to just blog about everything i wont. It would be disrespectful to the parties involved. and i dont wanna be that kind of person. I have had to make some tuff choices in my life. And am proud to say that i feel like, in these recent situations, that I chose to make the right decisions. These decisions that i felt were the right thing to do did make some people have a disliking for me. but you know what, fuck them. seriously fuck you. i did what i know is right, and thats all that matters. I think its fucked up how people can sit back and see or be a part of these fucked up situations and just keep their mouth closed. Why? because you dont want to be involved? well guess what...knowing about it fucking makes you involved. so you can either chose to be a good person....or not. its as simple as that. black and white. there is no gray. you either do the right thing or you dont. fucking simple. I don't think people will ever understand what i gave up exactly to do this right thing.(partially because im keeping it hush hush lol) something i worked hard to gain back. like really hard to gain back. and it fucking sucks to lose it. but i would rather be known as the person who stood up for what she believes in and knows is right.... than someone girl who is fucked up. No one truly understands any type of situation unless they have been though it themselves. and even then its hard to understand because every situation is different based on the people involved. true fucking story right there. I have very very few people i ask for advice from.... i can count them on one hand... total of 3. and each of those people i respect and think very highly of and each of their opinions and advice sparks and sticks with me in some way. and when all things are meshed together from all 3 people plus myself...then it just clicks in my brain. Katie Robey, Rachel Campa, and Rikkilee Carter. These women are amazing people. and They really do not get enough credit for how much they put into a friendship. Katie Robey- this lady has so much class. She shows every single person respect, even if they dont deserve it. She is younger than me but the things that come out of her mouth sound like poetry. Not only is she beautiful on the outside, but her insides are like looking at the sun. Rachel Campa- This girl has been my friend for soooooooooooooo long. Even though we are both in very different places in our lives we still have this amazing friend ships. when i need her she is there and when she needs me i race to her. How she views the world and life amazes me and i wish some day i can learn to be a little more like her. I have no doubt in my mind that she will do great things in her lifetime. Rikkilee- I havent known her for that long actually. but she, again is an amazing person. She sticks up for her friends, even if its against another friend. she does what is right and is so down to earth. i needed someone like that in my life. someone to get my head out of the clouds. and this gril does it. caring, respectful and fun to be around. It seems like everything she does, she does whole heartily. and i wish i could see her more often actually. Life isnt what i expected it to be, is it horrible....? at times. Is it hard....you bet your ass its fucking hard as hell. Do i have some regrets...? yes, but nothing major. but i look at my life and see three beautiful faces smiling at me and love me always.....well until they turn into teenagers. "no body said it was easy, no body said it would be so hard" however, life is worth fighting for, its worth seeking out goals and accomplishing everything you want. get out there and get what you want. and do what you feel is right in the process and you cant go wrong <3 love everything you do.