Drowning Out at Sea

With everyone and everything in the world voting against my every move, I still have found a way to keep on going forward...strong. With every breath, and every step I have chosen to move forward into the direction I have felt would be the best one possible for my 3 loves and myself.
Shoved out to sea, certain I was going to drown. But then I became so sure of one thing, that I would succeed in being someone my kids would be proud of. Not letting myself drown, but finding the way up for air.
 Now it is me that feels like I am holding myself underwater. Starting to make the wrong decisions with my life. Swimming into the deep  instead of up towards the air. Putting myself in an unhealthy place where people are free to walk over me. To push me further into drowning.
My better judgement has been a thing of the past for some two to three months now. That is not the type of person I want to be. That has not been my goal. What I wanted in life has been so clear. So how did it all of a sudden get so fuzzy? How come things have to be so complicated? I know its time to start putting what needs to be done first again. I want to breath again. No one and nothing is going to look out for me and pull me back to the surface, but me. Its time to step back and re-asses every situation and every aspect of my goals and start heading towards those again. In a healthy way. Just for myself and my children.

Most Important Goals:
1. My children- making sure they have everything and everyone that is most important to them in their lives. If some people are going to chose not to spend time with them, or chose not to be apart of it then that is their loss. I need to make sure I am who I need to be for them first and for most. If that means giving up things for myself, then so be it. That is what being a parent is all about. The minute that plus sign appeared I gave up everything for them. And that is the way it has to be, its the way I want it to be. Everything is for them. And they deserve a parent who genuinely wants to be with them, and there for them. Not someone who wants to be paid to be with them. Someone that WANTS to spend time with them and with them every second of every day. That's way it is going to be....always.

2. Myself - making sure I am healthy and happy. Striving towards goals that are going to be the best choices for my children as well as myself. If when I die I can say I was able to support my children and be the best mother I could possibly be then that I have met my goal. My head stone does not need to say "great business woman" "nice friend" or "loving wife" it only needs to say "upstanding mother who loved her children.". If I fail at everything in life, if that is the road I have been handed then that is alright with me. As long as I do not fail at being a mother.


Its really that simple.
(As long as I keep it that way.)
Now time to focus on what needs to be done. Set aside all the bullshit and start living my life for my children and myself.

Everyone will take this blog how they will. I know some of you who read it are going try and turn it around as a negative thing. If that is a vindictive thing you wish to do, then go for it. I am tired of people lurking my blogs and all my other accounts trying to find something, anything turn it into a negative. People who do that are just pathetic. So from this take what you will, try and destroy what you can. I wont even hope or wish one day that someone will come along and do what you have done, purposefulness, to my children and I to your own family.