Today I woke up and said "no" to anxiety. no I will not let it take over my life anymore. no i will not fear everything. no i will not cry every day. and no i will not do this anymore.
It is going to be a long hard road, but I see the end of the road already. Baby steps of facing my fears to overcome this disease that has controlled my life for 3 years and that has surrounded me for longer than that. I don't want to live like this anymore, i will not live like this anymore!!
everyday i will wake up and say "oh no, not today anxiety" i will make my life better, and enjoy it from now on. my life is worth living and i want to start living it and not be held back by this anymore!!!
GO ME!!!!
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Cheers to Realization
Just because its not a big deal to me, doesn't mean its not a big deal to someone else. I learned this through this past week. And while I have learned this, from numerous events that have happened this week, I'm not quite sure the people I love have figured that out as well. But I'm just considering things said the past few days. Everyone is so wrapped up into #1, including myself, they cant see what its doing to others around them.
The main factors in my life is
not to judge
not to assume
forgiveness
and honesty
I'm not judging anyone, please don't judge me. I wont assume anything about anyone, so please don't assume anything about me. And please there is no need to be upset about anyone being honest about their feelings, even if you are admitting something to yourself.
The main factors in my life is
not to judge
not to assume
forgiveness
and honesty
I'm not judging anyone, please don't judge me. I wont assume anything about anyone, so please don't assume anything about me. And please there is no need to be upset about anyone being honest about their feelings, even if you are admitting something to yourself.
Friday, July 15, 2011
so close yet so far away
Sometimes I say I don't want something as badly as I really do, because I don't wanna set myself up for failure. But I want it bad. I have such s hard time being motivated. I want to lose weight and tone up. I want to pay off our car early. I want to have a big savings account as a back up. I want to buy a second car and I defiantly want to buy a home for my family. I need to stop being selfish, stop being lazy, and turn in my atm card so I don't spend any money. I think if I just set the budget and pay the bills I can let him just follow the budget and then I can't be a shop-aholic anymore. And then when he goes shopping he has to follow the list for the budget and no snacks it junk or soda will be on the list. It's a win win situation. I just need to get in gear and do what healthy and best for our family.
What do you all think?
What do you all think?
Saturday, June 18, 2011
that feelings just a feeling
It's really hard to stay out of things that are not my business.
on the other hand, i am still learning how to function as a wife and a mother of 3 children. It's easy in some ways and in others is really hard. I have a lot of help actually, but in some ways I feel completely alone. I know this time I was certain I would have the help and support of my friends...but I soon realized that was not the case. I know some of them are REALLY busy, but I cant help but get my feelings hurt. And I know this blog will make people think this is about them...and it might be lol. BUT i'm just writing it to make myself feel better. Feeling alone, as a lot of people understand, doesn't mean I am alone. It just is a feeling. and sometimes it makes me sad and feel left out, that's all.
anyways I feel kind of better getting that out.
on the other hand, i am still learning how to function as a wife and a mother of 3 children. It's easy in some ways and in others is really hard. I have a lot of help actually, but in some ways I feel completely alone. I know this time I was certain I would have the help and support of my friends...but I soon realized that was not the case. I know some of them are REALLY busy, but I cant help but get my feelings hurt. And I know this blog will make people think this is about them...and it might be lol. BUT i'm just writing it to make myself feel better. Feeling alone, as a lot of people understand, doesn't mean I am alone. It just is a feeling. and sometimes it makes me sad and feel left out, that's all.
anyways I feel kind of better getting that out.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
upnderstand ?
I'm sorry that I can't always be there. And I'm sorry I don't call a lot. To everyone. But, I'm busy I have a lot of things to do...a lot of responsibles. Life isn't just about me anymore...or just Brian and I. Most everyone I know just has themselves to take care of. I have 5. I know its hard for people to understand my choices, but you don't have too. I just ask everyone respect it.
Sooner or later I will be able to be more involved with my friends and acquaintances...but for now, unless your truly invested in our friendship and take the time to contact me to make plans then we probably won't see one another often. I just am too scatter brained and when I blink the day is over.
Sooner or later I will be able to be more involved with my friends and acquaintances...but for now, unless your truly invested in our friendship and take the time to contact me to make plans then we probably won't see one another often. I just am too scatter brained and when I blink the day is over.
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tired
I'm so tired all day with little burst of energy. But its not enough. If I stay pregnant for the next 4 weeks and don't come early, and stay this tired then I'm going to need some help for sure. I feel like a bad parent to my kids that I have NO energy to take care of them 100% its only like 85% :((((((((( Jesus I hope this baby comes early, like anytime after this Tuesday is fine by me.
I can handle no sleep, or hardly any sleep, but whatever this is that is causing such exhaustion sucks.
I can handle no sleep, or hardly any sleep, but whatever this is that is causing such exhaustion sucks.
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Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Doing It alone...or am I?
I expected to have my friends close by my side this time around...but it didn't happen.
I've been trying to prepare but I feel not ready but ready. I have so much laundry that its driving me crazy!!!!!! As far as the baby coming I am prepared for her to come, I just wish the laundry was done lol.
i'm tired tired tired
feeling very moody and very insecure.
Thank goodness that since everyone is pulling away from me, that my family has been moving in closer. It has been a big help to have their support and love, especially since I feel like I don't have it from anyone else. I may...but I just don't feel it.
Ready or not any day
I've been trying to prepare but I feel not ready but ready. I have so much laundry that its driving me crazy!!!!!! As far as the baby coming I am prepared for her to come, I just wish the laundry was done lol.
i'm tired tired tired
feeling very moody and very insecure.
Thank goodness that since everyone is pulling away from me, that my family has been moving in closer. It has been a big help to have their support and love, especially since I feel like I don't have it from anyone else. I may...but I just don't feel it.
Ready or not any day
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
tired
I'm so tired all day with little burst of energy. But its not enough. If I stay pregnant for the next 4 weeks and don't come early, and stay this tired then I'm going to need some help for sure. I feel like a bad parent to my kids that I have NO energy to take care of them 100% its only like 85% :((((((((( Jesus I hope this baby comes early, like anytime after this Tuesday is fine by me.
I can handle no sleep, or hardly any sleep, but whatever this is that is causing such exhaustion sucks.
I can handle no sleep, or hardly any sleep, but whatever this is that is causing such exhaustion sucks.
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Wednesday, May 4, 2011
11
11 days of feeling the most empty yet hurt I think I have ever felt. Its the weirdest combination I think I have ever heard of, let alone experienced. I wish things would go back to the way they were 12 days ago. But you cant look back, cause you can never go back. You have to make the best out of every situation and I thought I was doing that, but now I am not so sure. Its hard to tell sometimes I guess. I was raised on "forgive and forget" but how far can that go? what is the cutoff circumstances? It seems to be a blurred line between what is alright and not alright, and what is right and wrong. or maybe it is because people morals and values have changed SO much?
Things that were wrong 5 years ago, are no longer wrong. why? And you cant use the excuse "evolution" or "the world is a different place now"...if evolving into a more unmoral future is what everyone has in mind then I don't think I want to be a part of it. I hope I can raise my children to be wholesome, and upstanding individuals that are loving, kind, respectful, and independent.
anyways, I will just have to dig down deep in myself to decide what I want, what is best for myself and my children. What is right.
Things that were wrong 5 years ago, are no longer wrong. why? And you cant use the excuse "evolution" or "the world is a different place now"...if evolving into a more unmoral future is what everyone has in mind then I don't think I want to be a part of it. I hope I can raise my children to be wholesome, and upstanding individuals that are loving, kind, respectful, and independent.
anyways, I will just have to dig down deep in myself to decide what I want, what is best for myself and my children. What is right.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
complaining 101
so since im ranting on and on tonight....my pelvis hurts, im tired from never sleeping, im hungry...again, i have a headache, its hot, my hands and feet are puffy, im really thirsty...again, one eye hurts from being so tired, pregnancy gave me dark circles under my eyes that make me look like the grim-reaper without make up on, my toe nails look horrible since i tried to paint them and cant reach, there is nothing to watch on tv in the middle of the night, i have like no friends again, im super grumpy, my shirts don't cover my belly anymore, my hubby breaths to loud in his sleep, i need my car washed.....idk i just felt like complaining lol. cant wait to go back to sleep....and hopefully sleep in?????? annnnnd have a great day with the kids!! I love Rory and Myles and the new baby girl
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Oh Boy
I have had a very stressful few days. Especially my Sunday was not pleasant in the beginning. I don't want to go into depth about it, or actually say what the problem is at all but I know something has to be done. Even if i don't want to do anything about it. I'm going to set some rules and boundaries that I feel need to be set.
I am also making a 1 year plan for myself so I am capable of taking care of myself and the kids if need be. And if I never have to be on my own, then the extra income will be lovely for when Brian's job is not doing so well.
I wish I had someone to talk about this with. But I don't. No one would understand my position. I'm on my own with this.
I am also making a 1 year plan for myself so I am capable of taking care of myself and the kids if need be. And if I never have to be on my own, then the extra income will be lovely for when Brian's job is not doing so well.
I wish I had someone to talk about this with. But I don't. No one would understand my position. I'm on my own with this.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
what it is
I have been thinking about a lot lately. Seeing all these people come together for a single family. Literally feeling and seeing all this love and support has been amazing. I was apart of it to be a good friend, but I had no idea this would soon become another family to me. I let my gard down in so many ways, opened myself so to many people. When normally I wouldn't have.
It's just made me think, about a lot. If something bad was to happen to me would I have the same outcome? And honestly I think not.( I know my immediate family would be there of course) I have been assessing my friendships with different people, and our relationships and they are just not all that strong. I barely even know who they actually are, and none of them know me at all.
I know someone might read this and get all upset. But it is, to me, true. Maybe I have a different definition of friendships than most people, I'm not sure.
All I know for sure is that I am so glad to be able to be there the best I can for the people I love. And I am so glad I have grown closer, and stronger towards certain people.
I feel my life, my friendships, and my outlooks changing...for the better, and in a direction I know will be better for not only myself but for my family.
It's just made me think, about a lot. If something bad was to happen to me would I have the same outcome? And honestly I think not.( I know my immediate family would be there of course) I have been assessing my friendships with different people, and our relationships and they are just not all that strong. I barely even know who they actually are, and none of them know me at all.
I know someone might read this and get all upset. But it is, to me, true. Maybe I have a different definition of friendships than most people, I'm not sure.
All I know for sure is that I am so glad to be able to be there the best I can for the people I love. And I am so glad I have grown closer, and stronger towards certain people.
I feel my life, my friendships, and my outlooks changing...for the better, and in a direction I know will be better for not only myself but for my family.
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Sunday, April 3, 2011
mother lion
At least that's what Brian called me today.
My son got bit in the head by my sister in laws dog today. And while he pretty much just got scared and has a small bruse, I tried not to make a big deal out of it. But I am mad
Like really mad. And the more I think about it, and the more I picture it happening....the more I hope that dog dies. Not even joking, I see that bruse on my babys head the more I am praying that dog dies soon...Idk if that's a little harsh, but there it is.
Never are my kids to go to her house again without me there to watch them, until that dog is gone.
My son got bit in the head by my sister in laws dog today. And while he pretty much just got scared and has a small bruse, I tried not to make a big deal out of it. But I am mad
Like really mad. And the more I think about it, and the more I picture it happening....the more I hope that dog dies. Not even joking, I see that bruse on my babys head the more I am praying that dog dies soon...Idk if that's a little harsh, but there it is.
Never are my kids to go to her house again without me there to watch them, until that dog is gone.
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Friday, April 1, 2011
wht
Why pre-discuss if your not going to follow through anyways? Bull shit
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Sunday, March 27, 2011
eyes on you? eyes on me?
Why is it that people are so aggravated when put into specific social groups? like they are being segregated? Especially when they everyone does it them self's with others? I myself try not to socially separate people, even though there seems to be a trend. and if i do, i don't mean to. I am soooo tired of people do this to one another as well as them selfs (sometimes without knowing it.)
I'm tired of being penalized because our age group of 21-27years has been socially determined to be the "party" age. That is not even specifically accurate either. And that since I am choosing not to do so and be and grow as a responsible adult, that I am "un-fun" "un-able" and "too motherly(?)". I feel socially and personally attacked for my choices to have a family at a young age. I don't feel that is fair, and will not stand to hear it anymore. I am tired of being too this, or too that, or not good enough because I chose to be a patent. I would much rather only have my family than anyone else. I would make my decision a million times over and lose everyone, then to never have been married or to have never had my children.
There are millions of people and families out there that have made the same decisions that we have. I wonder if they are having the same issue as me or not?
I feel as though young adults, around my age, that are making poor decisions are blaming it on the "age group definition". That it makes it okay. Its not ok. Poor decisions are alwasy going to be poor, no matter what age. If a 35 year old woman was going out almost every night, single, she would be determined to be a "cougar" and possibly an alcoholic. If a 35 year old man was doing the same thing, he would be determined to have something like a "mid life crisis" and "not have it together". But in some way if a 21 year old was going out every night drinking and doing other things, that it is perfectly fine that its just the age. Why is there such a separation about age and actions that make poor decisions acceptable or unacceptable?
I just needed to get this all out. I have been holding it in, and I am so upset that I am going through this again because I am choosing to be a mother and a wife.I am tired of people thinking I am too motherly, when I am not i am just speaking my opinion. And I am even more tired of people telling me I cant do something, because its not that I cant...its that i am choosing not to.
Maybe its just me, or maybe it isn't. Just because others are not speaking out, doesn't mean I am the only one.
Why would we choose anything else? <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
I'm tired of being penalized because our age group of 21-27years has been socially determined to be the "party" age. That is not even specifically accurate either. And that since I am choosing not to do so and be and grow as a responsible adult, that I am "un-fun" "un-able" and "too motherly(?)". I feel socially and personally attacked for my choices to have a family at a young age. I don't feel that is fair, and will not stand to hear it anymore. I am tired of being too this, or too that, or not good enough because I chose to be a patent. I would much rather only have my family than anyone else. I would make my decision a million times over and lose everyone, then to never have been married or to have never had my children.
There are millions of people and families out there that have made the same decisions that we have. I wonder if they are having the same issue as me or not?
I feel as though young adults, around my age, that are making poor decisions are blaming it on the "age group definition". That it makes it okay. Its not ok. Poor decisions are alwasy going to be poor, no matter what age. If a 35 year old woman was going out almost every night, single, she would be determined to be a "cougar" and possibly an alcoholic. If a 35 year old man was doing the same thing, he would be determined to have something like a "mid life crisis" and "not have it together". But in some way if a 21 year old was going out every night drinking and doing other things, that it is perfectly fine that its just the age. Why is there such a separation about age and actions that make poor decisions acceptable or unacceptable?
I just needed to get this all out. I have been holding it in, and I am so upset that I am going through this again because I am choosing to be a mother and a wife.I am tired of people thinking I am too motherly, when I am not i am just speaking my opinion. And I am even more tired of people telling me I cant do something, because its not that I cant...its that i am choosing not to.
Maybe its just me, or maybe it isn't. Just because others are not speaking out, doesn't mean I am the only one.
Why would we choose anything else? <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
where the ball lands
I feel like I'm playing four square. When the ball bounces into your square your supposed to bounce it back into another square. Back and forth it goes, it has balance, rythem and everyone knows how to play the game. But lately I'm waiting and waiting for the ball to be tossed and bounced back. I'm standing here, waiting, becoming bored, and starting to wonder if If when the ball actually gets bounced back to me if I'm going to want to still play.
I am yet again going through a major change, a major addition to my life. To my family life. And with every day that passes the closer it comes and I am without a doubt 110% sure that this is how I want my life. These are ny choices and I stand by them. They are what's right for me and my family. Many don't get my choices in life, but they don't have to. I honestly don't want to be like most people my age. I don't want to party all the time, or drink a lot. I don't want to date, or have a job. I don't want to go to school, or live at my parents. And I defiantly do not want to change who I am.
Not that anything on this list is bad, its just those are things I don't want.
I love being married, I love having my children. I love being pregnant. I love taking pride in my home and keeping it clean, and I like the responsibilities of managing finances and keeping my loves living the spending life they like. I love staying at home with the kids and teaching them new things, and I love seeing my sexy husband come home after a hard day at work!
I love it.
I'm not sure what point I am trying to make other than I love my life, I love where I am. I wish everyone the same fortune in life that I am experiencing. And if your not...then just be happyand grateful for what you have.
I am yet again going through a major change, a major addition to my life. To my family life. And with every day that passes the closer it comes and I am without a doubt 110% sure that this is how I want my life. These are ny choices and I stand by them. They are what's right for me and my family. Many don't get my choices in life, but they don't have to. I honestly don't want to be like most people my age. I don't want to party all the time, or drink a lot. I don't want to date, or have a job. I don't want to go to school, or live at my parents. And I defiantly do not want to change who I am.
Not that anything on this list is bad, its just those are things I don't want.
I love being married, I love having my children. I love being pregnant. I love taking pride in my home and keeping it clean, and I like the responsibilities of managing finances and keeping my loves living the spending life they like. I love staying at home with the kids and teaching them new things, and I love seeing my sexy husband come home after a hard day at work!
I love it.
I'm not sure what point I am trying to make other than I love my life, I love where I am. I wish everyone the same fortune in life that I am experiencing. And if your not...then just be happyand grateful for what you have.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
just a thought
I said it earlier...." its a privilege to be in anothers life " that goes for every type of relationship.
If its not working and you don't feel that way then why push it?
I'm not sure how its going to pan out
On a lighter note Jack Black on To Gabba Gabba is CRAZY!! LOL
If its not working and you don't feel that way then why push it?
I'm not sure how its going to pan out
On a lighter note Jack Black on To Gabba Gabba is CRAZY!! LOL
Thursday, March 17, 2011
ST Pattys got the stink eye
Haven't heard anything from driftwood yet. I really can't believe this. So we are starting the mediation process this saturday. It looks better on us if we try this first instead of just going to small claims court. So if they don't respond to this then we will then go to court and sue for our entire deposit back, the amount the mediation cost, as well as how much we had to spend on court fees and filing cost. I hope we can just get this settled with mediation but these people are a pain in the butt.
On the family update the kids are good...except Rory got pink eye that I am desperately trying not to spread to anyone else besides her. So our ST pattys day stuff isn't going to happen anymore :/ oh well. As long as we have some family time then everything is good.
I'm absolutely loving my life, my loves, and my home! I am so blessed and I am even more grateful for each day than the last!!!
<3
On the family update the kids are good...except Rory got pink eye that I am desperately trying not to spread to anyone else besides her. So our ST pattys day stuff isn't going to happen anymore :/ oh well. As long as we have some family time then everything is good.
I'm absolutely loving my life, my loves, and my home! I am so blessed and I am even more grateful for each day than the last!!!
<3
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
oh my word
so many people have been getting on my nerves. and not in like a bad way either. cant explain.....
dont pretend
my <3
my support
I have no idea why we all couldnt get it togeather for the photo
voted best of 5(sort of sad) LOL
dont pretend
my <3
voted best of 5(sort of sad) LOL
Friday, March 11, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
"Mom this is the best ever!"
I love it when Rory says that to me about anything. <3
So this morning is very gloomy but i dont really mind it. Its not going to last forever. And while
I am looking forward to warmer weather I am not looking forward to the 100 degree temperatures that it gets here. Especially considering our lack of air-conditioning units lol. Thank goodness I will not be pregnant in August!!!
I have been thinking of so many wonderful things lately. The sun, family trips, warmer weather, and having a new baby. There are so many things I want to do this summer. Zoo, Fairy Land, another kids place in Stockton ( i cant remember the name) Camping, going to the beach, BBQs, lazy summer nights on the front porch.... and a bunch of other things.
Im hoping most of this stuff we can accomplish after the new baby is born so my eye sight is better but some before would be lovely. Im just looking forward to spending time with my family, and friends. <3 We are so fortunate!
So this morning is very gloomy but i dont really mind it. Its not going to last forever. And while
I am looking forward to warmer weather I am not looking forward to the 100 degree temperatures that it gets here. Especially considering our lack of air-conditioning units lol. Thank goodness I will not be pregnant in August!!!
I have been thinking of so many wonderful things lately. The sun, family trips, warmer weather, and having a new baby. There are so many things I want to do this summer. Zoo, Fairy Land, another kids place in Stockton ( i cant remember the name) Camping, going to the beach, BBQs, lazy summer nights on the front porch.... and a bunch of other things.
Im hoping most of this stuff we can accomplish after the new baby is born so my eye sight is better but some before would be lovely. Im just looking forward to spending time with my family, and friends. <3 We are so fortunate!
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Monday, February 28, 2011
Im horrable for saying this...but
Is it bad that i wanna email a hoe and write.
"you are the most idiotic person ever, and i think your a cunt"
i think that would make me feel worlds better
that and if she died...i dont think i have ever hated someone so much. and its all the hate that i have for her that makes me think about her. and it drives me crazy!
i really do hope she dies
"you are the most idiotic person ever, and i think your a cunt"
i think that would make me feel worlds better
that and if she died...i dont think i have ever hated someone so much. and its all the hate that i have for her that makes me think about her. and it drives me crazy!
i really do hope she dies
AHH
I cant believe I had to find a new home for my two doggies and now I just saw the neighbor with a dog?!?!?!
WTH
:(
it better not be hers or im telling since im a bitch.
WTH
:(
it better not be hers or im telling since im a bitch.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Two things
I just dont get
why the hell is there so many dumb bitches?
desperation and craziness is not attractive
and
why people take video games so seriously?
its seriously just a game that can be restarted at any time
omg haha
why the hell is there so many dumb bitches?
desperation and craziness is not attractive
and
why people take video games so seriously?
its seriously just a game that can be restarted at any time
omg haha
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Friends?
Friend-a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard
True-firm in allegiance; loyal; faithful; steadfast
so it stands to reason that "true friend" is a person attached to another by feelings who is loyal &steadfast
(just the two combined)
I just am not sure these days....of a lot of things.
True-firm in allegiance; loyal; faithful; steadfast
so it stands to reason that "true friend" is a person attached to another by feelings who is loyal &steadfast
(just the two combined)
I just am not sure these days....of a lot of things.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Love the life
I dont think I can even say or write how amazing my life as been. I am starting to see things in a new way, and of course no one is going to get that since they are no where near where I am at now. I am so thankful and lucky to have my two wonderful kids and excited for the one on the way. and so in love with my husband. As long as I have them I almost don't need any one else.I just wish I knew someone who was at least semi in the same stage of life that my husband and i are in.
oh well
<3
oh well
<3
Saturday, January 29, 2011
list
I feel depressed
I constantly dont feel good
No one even trys to sympathise.
Im very sad tonight.
and alone again
and in bed going to sleep again at 9pm
my life after my kids go to bed fucking sucks.
I constantly dont feel good
No one even trys to sympathise.
Im very sad tonight.
and alone again
and in bed going to sleep again at 9pm
my life after my kids go to bed fucking sucks.
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